Xpress Post - Raid's Livejournal

10:22am: I need to live on my own again, or only with Tom, something. I hate people, I fucking hate them.

You do something for them, with them, and it's all about the other person, and then they fuck you over one way or another.

1:01pm: So much to take in..
This past year.. I dunno, I've lost so many people I thought I could count on, lost my faith in so many things I though never could bring me down.

I feel more adolescent then I ever have. I don't know what to make of my life, it's so useless. I can't do anything for anyone else, if I can, I don't know why I bother anyways because it's not appreciated.

I only have two friends that will never let me down, will actually call on me once in a blue moon to chill. Cabbage and Selene, don't know what I'd do without you!

This past year.. The most amazing things have happened. People have come into my life (and left) that made me think more about what everything is all about. What I've loved in the past hasn't just faded away, it's been ripped from my grip without a care in the world, but he's happy, and will be loved, so it's okay. I hope.

I feel older, more experienced, I want to try a little differently to keep what holds me together. I need to find my faith again in things and people that are worthwhile. I never dealt with drama well, why I keep letting thoughtless people into my life I don't know.

People makes mistakes, but the worst mistake is never living up to it. I think I respect people more that can admit to the mistakes they've made and try to correct themselves and their actions, and get pushed down anyways and still try, then those that make excuses. These people are stronger then you and I.

I can't wait until I'm old and grey, to reflect on my life and realize things about it as I never have before. I wish those days were now.

3:42am: *Super hero announcer voice*
It's incredible inflating flailing arm WOMAN!

http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/365.html

Okay, not as awsome as incredible inflating flailing arm man.. But flailing none the less!

5:19am: haha, awsome

Hot Tamale You have an intellectual sexiness factor of 65!

You're hot! You've read a lot. You've done a lot, and there's a lot you'd like to try in the future. You've got a sharp, sexy mind, and few inhibitions to restrain you from exploring all the pleasure you can get. You have few hang-ups, and there's not much you don't know about sex. You're open-minded and able to enjoy things that would make a lesser person squeamish. You're an exceptional treat as a lover, appreciated greatly by those who know the differnce. You were probably bored with a few of the people you've been with in your past, feeling like you had to drag them along with you in the sexual adventures you want to have, and probably dumping them for the same reason. It takes a lot to stimulate you; you realize it's not just about bumping uglies. In the end there's gotta be a lot more to it. Still, there is always room for improvement. Before you can graduate into a true sexual genius, there are a few things you've got to learn, to explore, to think through, talk through, and fuck through. A good place to start is in taking a look at the few things you're still a little hesitant to try. Break down you're last few barriers and discover the outer sexual frontiers, and you'll become a master.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 25% on sexiness

Link: The Intellectual Sexiness Test written by dr_eros on OkCupid Free Online Dating

10:45am: Wow I havn't updated in a while!
This probably has to do with the fact that I really dont use journals as much as I used to. Online journals you can't write the moste intimate of thoughts, which is mostly what I have. But I can update people on my life a little bit anyways, because I don't always update the journal on my website either. :P

-Currently working at a pest control company. I'm not sure what I think of being there, I'm thinking it's just my current state of mind that makes me feel like I'm being driven over the edge. We'll see though. See below; current state of mind.

-I kind of want to move, out of basements. I'm sick of bugs during the summer, and cold during the winter, of the darkness that is prepetulant (sp?). I don't like carpts either, or the lack anonomity of who you are and what your doing. I LOVE having laundry that I don't have to pay for, that is RIGHT outside my door, I love that I don't have to pay an arm and leg and put my other leg as credit. But at the same time.. I would like to change, to live in a bright apartment. I'm thinking.. When Krystle gets a job, and has stayed at it for a while, I will move out of this basement and find a nice two bedroom apartment, with laundry facilities on every floor and my balcony is large enough I can put a kiddie pool on it with enough room to still have a table and chairs for an outdoor dining room. :P Yes, I'm thinking pent house.

-I love my boyfriend, Mike, I love him SOO MUCH! I think about him and it lifts me up! :P I don't know if there's any better then this, but to most people I know I do have the best. I think I'm so lucky to have him as mine, he's nice and caring, he does just about everything for me. At the same time, he's not whipped, and has a life on his own outside of his GF, which I have been so readily accepted into and feel comfortable in as well.

-My current state of mind; a little off.. Sometimes completely off. I feel sometimes that I'm disappointing people, to the point that I don't want to function, don't feel I can. The whole depression thing feels like it's bubbling up to a boil, and I don't want to boil over. Also my wrist hurts. OT; I went to see my doctor on the second day I missed work last week, and he gave me a recomondation for a therapist and pills (Paxil). I'm not so sure about the pills, but we'll see what happens. I want my friends to pay attention somewhat to see if there's a difference at all in the next couple months. More so the differences they wish didn't happen. I don't want to change who I am completely. I want to be witty, have crude/cruel humor, I want to 'think' differently, and be oddly hyper, I LIKE my blips in personality. I don't like the sad parts though, the ones that make me cry when I wake up so I don't go into work. Or break down on Mike's shoulder because I can't take the feeling of.. What ever it is, it's like loss, worthlessness, a heavy heart, it feels like I'm being squeezed dry. I hate that feeling. It makes me even happier to have Mike, almost that even if he doesn't understand he just wants me to feel better, and that's the just of it. There's no confusion of mixing emotions, assumptions. I think if there were, I would feel alienated from him. I generally believe I feel alienated from people who don't and can't understand how the depression works for me. Even my doctor said, it will take a long time to heal because I've been depressed for so long, being depressed is all I know, my memories are littered with the feeling of being lost.
In any case, I want to start to live life, I want to go out, be confident and FEEL confident. I want to like who I am, and not critizise myself for the things I do, I want to feel accepted, not alienated, when I go out places. Life will tell how it all turns out, and I have another 60 years to go.
As Mike said a year and a half ago, one day at a time. If one day at a time can lead to a year and a half of being in love, then a day at a time will see many great things.
:P

12:21pm: I made my new webpage!! Try visiting www.toxaphene.com!

I mention that now because I don't think I said it was up and running yet.. it's so pretty. *drools*

I love mike for getting me it. :D

2:08pm: I havn't written in a while.. I guess it's because I keep everything bottled up, and I really don't talk about things with people as much. I want to, I really do, but I feel like I can't. I either start feeling like a loser, or something along those lines (if you only knew how I talk to myself in my head), or I just get a 'fix' responce, a solution when I would rather have something like action or comfort.
*shrug* oh well. That's all.

9:58pm: I feel so shitty.. :( I want to curl up in a ball and cry my brains out. I feel so worthless, I can't keep my fucking house clean, I don't think I'm doin that great at my job, or so my head wants me to think, I love Mike so much but I feel so lonely, I come home and well.. sit here starring at the useless conversations I have with retarded people on the fucking internet.. (Not all are useless, but most of them are and the ones that arn't are few and far between)

I do everything I can to make sure I come home and sleep, but I don't.. I just go to bed and cry, or I come online and indulge myself in half-assed conversations with morons, until I finally start to pass out at my computer and go to bed.

It's hidden really well, but it's there in my head, being depressed. I know it wants to come out, and it's fucking hard to hold back. All I want to do is stay at home all week and cry, just sit there and do nothing, don't feel sorry for myself because that's wrong, yell at myself cause I should be at work, cry because I feel that nothing I do pleases the people I work with and they'll fire me, bang my head on wall because all in all those are just excuses, and I feel sad for no reason and I should probably be on pills or something to 'even me out'....

I need to fix my head before I seriously get into school, college or high school (which like a moron I still havn't finished..)

I feel so worthless.. I hate this, I know I'm not worthless but I still feel this way.. And I'd rather not go around making up excuses saying oh, I have depression, or adhd, or manic depression, or any of that other shit because most people would just accuse me of making up or using excuses to get through life..

*sigh* You wouldn't believe how scared I feel that my life will end up going downhill again.. Wouldn't know how it is to watch this happening as if your an observer and not know how to stop it. Yea, it all starts with me.. But how does it start with me if I can't control part of who I am?

I guess whatever though. I doubt I'm even allowed to complain, or bitch, or rant, or even hate who I am, because other people always have 'bigger problems, larger situations and worse lives'. Always. So I guess screw it, this whole post was as pointless as I am.. right?

11:35pm: I'll settle..

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Your Lips
Special Talents Are	Blow Jobs
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Get to know the REAL you by crash_and_burn
Your Name
You Are A:	Classic Rocker
Your Favorite Band/Song	The Strokes - Last Nite
You Like To Read:	Anything political
You Firmly Believe In:	Free love
Everyone Thinks You Are:	A sleazy prostitute
You Were Conceived:	In a bed, duh
You Will Marry:	A street-corner pimp
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What Are You Most Likely to Utter During Sex by UMAJohnnie
Name
Sexuality
Age
Most Likely to Say	"What do you mean 'is that all?!'"
Quiz created with MemeGen!

11:29pm: Yea Freakin Right, Dude!!

Would anyone want to bang you? by phobia
Name:
Favorite Food:
Wants to Bang you:
This many times:	103
Quiz created with MemeGen!

11:16pm: YAY kittens!
So, my kittens are here!! Here's some pictures of the nutty-fur-covered-assholes-in-a-cuteness-disguise kittens!

http://www.angelfire.com/in4/321kaboom/kittens/kittens.html

Their cute. Mike loves them, no matter what he complains and bitches about.

In other news.. all I gotta say is my mind doesn't come off of thoughts of Mike for an instant.. but hey, who didn't know that already is just dumb and oblivious to the world around them.

Or locked away for a few years and has no idea anyways!

Either way, GO LOOK AT KITTENS!!!

8:53pm: I seem to be talking less and less.. and not wanting to really change it as life goes by..
I've started to just not care about talking to people.. I don't see why I should open my mouth to do anything other then drink or eat, even then I'm starting to not see why I should do that. I don't give a shit about what anyone says about not giving a damn about what other people think of me. Why? Because it's not what people think of me, it's that most people don't think of me at all (cept for Mike and my family, even then though some of my family doesn't believe anything else about anything unless it comes outta their own face-hole, so it's worthless to talk to them anyways).

I'm getting tired of hipocritical people. I really try not to be hipocritical, and if I ever am then I hate myself for it. I hate it when people think their better for this asshole reason or that, becasue what the hell do they know? How is it that those people know everything? THEY DON"T, YOU ASSHOLE!

I want to have teenage angst... Then I could give people a fucking reason or something that they can blame this on. But I don't.. Make up your own damn reasons, and lets see if anyone could possibly guess right. I doubt it though, because if I tried to voice my opinions it'd land on deaf ears anyways, and I hate doing it anyways becasue it causes more problems usually then bottling shit up.

1:23pm: reception
The flowers here at reception are really strong.. The pollen, I can almost feel it on my skin. :p It's not a good mix with the deoderant I got on, it smells like fruit loops. :D

1:02pm: I guess I can update my journal now
So I'm at work, how normal, and I'm trying to think of what else to do on my lunch break.. I've eaten my lunch and stuff, and now am debating on wither or not to go put the supplies I took out into the cabnets upstairs or to sit here and write a lot of crap that only a few people will read.. I'll sit and write about my weekend then and what's been going on lately.

The kitten I so desperately want to see/meet/bring home is only 4 weeks old right now, so damnit! I havta wait a few more weeks. ... I can't wait! I think it might be on the weekend I go to Niagara falls with Mike that I actually get to bring the kitten home, but if that's so then I"ll just ask Jan and Julie to take care of it until my return. I doubt they'd mind.

So this weekend was interesting. I rode my bike around a bit after work, and then went over to kims, raced her to her work, but I lost horribly. (she was on a bus, me on my bike). Then I hung out with her and held the boa they have in the petstore (hehe, awsome) and then I called up mike and asked him to meet me there. We went swimming at the YMCA, and it was free because it was our first visit, and I owe him some cash because I had to buy a bathing suit. They have sauna's there, so I hung out in that for a few moments after we were done with swimming. :D There were ALOT of nekkid women in the change room, and some of them laughed at me for keeping my bathing suit on. :-| That was odd, but screw them I"m not showing off my flubbs and shtuff. The next day I rode around again, took my bike to 241 call center (I"ll put more on that later) and did my 11-3, called up Mike who said he was going to go do stuff with his dad, okay, so I rode my bike back into scarborough. When I hit Birchmount and Lawrence (From McNicoll and Markham, for those of you in toronto you know where these places are hopefully, it's a bitchen long way) when I hit there I crashed my bike horribly, got caught inbetween the grass and the sidewalk like a tire in traintracks, and wiped out. It was kinda neat, I bent the wheel and scraped my knee, and the other leg has some black bruises from being smashed into the bike frame, and the woman who I had to go on the grass to get around her jeep in the first place gave me a ride down birchmount closer to home so I could walk my bike on the back tire down the street. I asked and she said sure, I was laughing the entire time and she was still stunned. :D hehehe. Mike was saying to go get a new tire, I told him that I already told my dad and he'll find something. Guess where my dad looked the next day? The dump. What did I say? My dad'll find something. I would like a NEW wheel, but I don't want to spend the money. The bike is used and like more than 10 years old anyways, so I'll wait to get a new bike before I get a new tire. If I get one, fantastic, but otherwise.... I can wait. I just gotta make sure my bike is oiled up and get a new seat (my butt hurts) before I ride it again. It squeaks and clings and clangs alot now, and the gears are shoddy, and the one brank doesn't -really- work.. but it's still a good bike, strong frame. :D

THEN that night we went out to play lazer tag.. That was fun, first time I crawled through the grass since I was playing games like this in the woods at camps and such. I was usually good at hiding in trees and jumping down at people. hehe. Then on the way home (at 1:00) in Steve(kim'stoy)'s car all I could think was how nice it felt that there wasn't anyone trying to 'cut' each other, or put one another down, how it felt nice to just sit in a car and bullshit and stuff, or at least that's how I thought of it. I guess I never really was a part of a 'group', or not as much as I am into this one (even if it's just a little, as 'Mike's girlfriend' or something) so I think it's fantastic. No other reason, no "because of..", it's just great to be able to sit in a car with a bunch of people who arn't stoned or drunk, trying to get away from reality, people who are downto earth and fun to joke with, not having to worry about an 'issue' arising in the midst of a good time. Eh, mebbie it's kinda weak and stupid, but I like to think of doing stuff like that in this manner, it means not everyone is assholes and selfcentered.. all the time.. :D

Anyways, away from corniness and on to work!! *goes and plays on some other website after delivering supplies to bullshit people* hehe

Oh yea, and I really, REALLY adore Mike. He's .. There is no words to describe how I feel for him, and even saying "I love you" doesn't feel like enough. Hugging him and cuddling up close feels almost there, but not enough still. :D I like this feeling, and I like him a LOT. :D Now I made myself want to go jump on him.... :p

3:47pm: Pride in Toronto!
K, I remembered what else I could update people about!

I went to the Pride parade! And damnit, I went alone! (which isn't a normal thing for me to actually go somewhere alone)

Well kinda, I went initially to meet up with mike, which I did at the end of it.. but I wandered a helluva alot without anyone else. :p

Otherwise, Yea, so the parade itself was interesting enough. Saw alot of men without clothes (older, of no interest) and some with thongs or speedo's, some wet ones, some oily ones, some in drag with huge mango's in their bra's (literally). I saw some women without their tops, and some tops without women inside them. I saw a few more thongs on those, and some legs on everyone. I must admit some of those legs were okay to look at, one gender or the other no matter how they dressed and pampered themselves before the parade. I saw mike with the NDP, stuck out my arm through the guard rails, grabbed his sleeve with the tips of my fingers only to see him ignore me and continue along smiling (huge grin on his face! He didn't notice, but he probably got ALOT of grins back from some of the guys in the crowd.. he's such a cutie, why not?). Yes, so then as he walked away from me someone else stuck an NDP sticker on my arm. Ripping it off and pointing at mike for the fellow to see I wanted him, I continued on my way.. Which was to grab at mike again in vain, then to give up and continue watching the rest of the parade.
I saw one of the fellows in leather pants without the buttocks in the grocery store buying some more mellons....
someone musta squeezed his friends out of proportion. :-|
But now I'm gone, Hope you enjoy reading about my experience at the Toronto Gay Pride Parade! (with the cross dresser and drag queens and gay and lesbien and straight and purple and green, orange and wet people)

3:15pm: Well now, I know I havn't been updating at all for a while, but figured I miswell as I'm at work and have notta to do. Or at least don't know what I should be doing, as I only had one day of training and the woman that should be here.. isn't..

So okay then:
*job at grenville now, they like me cause I'll go anywhere (even to Vaughan, which is actually an okay place to be)
*Getting kitten, Himalayan kitten, from a friend that I used to work with and know from iSkin, that she's getting from her friend. I havn't had any updates on the munchkin in two weeks and I'm getting anxious to at least meet it!
*My sis and her bf are all moved out, what a disaster that was. She was apsoloutly stresses about *gasp* No light bulbs in her new place! ... Whatever, not to mention her bf spent the time that the movers where moving stuff out to begin packing. Moron! He knew for at LEAST two months that we were moving, and he decides to pack on the day, on THAT MORNING to do it. *shrug*
*I'm all happily in my place (and by the way, before you ask, I didn't really help, I just kept everyone company when my sis moved out)
*I'm looking more and more into school, and have begun getting used to budgeting so I can save for college and stuff.. Lets see how well that turns out.
*Otherwise that's about it! I Adore and Love my Mike, and am havin fun with work.. I don't think there's much more in my life right now worth talking about. :-P

2:22am: Mike's post

xpresspost's Word Usage

1. i (242) 26. at (38) 51. well (22) 76. he's (15) 2. and (208) 27. don't (37) 52. d (20) 77. more (15) 3. to (188) 28. because (37) 53. when (20) 78. no (15) 4. the (126) 29. have (35) 54. mom (20) 79. them (15) 5. my (97) 30. about (35) 55. know (20) 80. there (15) 6. a (85) 31. though (34) 56. do (19) 81. an (15) 7. it (84) 32. you (33) 57. something (19) 82. would (14) 8. of (77) 33. be (33) 58. as (19) 83. pm (14) 9. that (75) 34. him (32) 59. says (19) 84. which (14) 10. she (62) 35. up (32) 60. want (18) 85. see (14) 11. so (61) 36. then (32) 61. too (18) 86. they (13) 12. her (61) 37. go (31) 62. now (18) 87. i'll (13) 13. i'm (58) 38. what (30) 63. she's (18) 88. doesn't (13) 14. in (57) 39. just (28) 64. had (18) 89. over (13) 15. with (52) 40. it's (28) 65. from (18) 90. need (13) 16. me (51) 41. this (26) 66. by (18) 91. went (13) 17. for (50) 42. not (26) 67. everything (17) 92. other (12) 18. was (50) 43. get (26) 68. anyways (17) 93. yea (12) 19. but (48) 44. if (25) 69. can (17) 94. much (12) 20. is (47) 45. think (25) 70. bridge (17) 95. home (12) 21. like (42) 46. going (25) 71. p (17) 96. place (12) 22. he (41) 47. mike (24) 72. really (17) 97. one (12) 23. out (41) 48. all (23) 73. stuff (16) 98. new (12) 24. or (39) 49. we (22) 74. time (16) 99. are (11) 25. on (38) 50. work (22) 75. his (16) 100. good (11)

Username: Word Count by Hutta.

Interesting... I use alot of words that don't really matter. (though some I like, like.. Mike, him, his, he, ect) (note to self, don't use 'i' so much).

12:19am: tired, I really should sleep for a bunch of good reasons.. read below
So yea, today (as it's 12:00 AM and past) I start my new Job.

Oh yea, I havn't updated in a bit.. here's a few events you've missed out on:

I quit my job at iSkin and am starting to work for Grenville today! I havta be at a location at 8:00, so I'm leaving here at a quarter to 7, which means I have to wake up at 6:15!!! or later.. I'll see about that one..

I have something that's been on my mind to say to Mike for a while now, but have been unsure to say it for a few reasons I'd rather not disclose, but it's not a bad thing, and at the same time i really really want to but I won't say much more until I've talked to Mike.

Nanook needs a new home, anyone want him?

I'm moving out on my own, I'm going to see about picking up different places on tuesday, if I can get the one of them on tuesday I'm moving into that one and if my first pick isn't available I may go with the next choice, depending on what various peoples opinions are. My dad would rather me get my first choice of apts., and actually would prefer much more the room with a kitchenette and tiny bathroom (which wouldn't be comfortable living at all), but I wouldn't mind seeing what my mom says about the second choice at all if the first choice isn't available.. I'll add more info later.

Next up is that if I DO get my second choice, it IS bigger and I'll be keeping Nanook with me a bit longer until I can really look around and find him a nice new home....

Oh yea, the second choice place's bathroom has an INGROUND bathtub!! So neat. If I was to move into that place I'd have a sign reading "The Hole" over the basements steps... :D For a reason, mind you.. You'll find out if you visit me if I'm living there.

Anyways though, bed is a good idea!!

I sleep better now when Mike is beside me.. :)

11:24pm: I'm thinking of taking Krystle off of my friends list so I don't have to read about her being stoned.. I don't care to at all.. :-|

9:59pm:

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Who is that, sprinting on the tundra! It is Xpresspost, hands clutching a reflective halberd! She grunts vengefully: "I'm going to punch you until you acquire caulrophobia, and sever every head in sight!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

Also... I'm extremely tired.

12:23am: I don't think I care too much about my sis anymore. She's always bitchy about everything, and when it comes to her bf she's even worse. She never stops to think SHE invited him to live with us, and it's HER dog that barks and has fits all the time, and all that stuff.

Why bring it up again? Well she decided to tell me tonite that "no one likes you, everyone thinks your a bitch, your never comming over to my place because of it"

Unfortunately I could only say one thing out of that sentence to her "Your a bitch". Either she's slightly dilousional or all the people I consider my friend don't actually like me. Which in that case I shouldn't have people in my life like Kim or Allen, and shouldn' thave a great BF like Mike. So, that leaves me to believe that she's talking about all of her BF's friends that think I'm a bitch. Mostly because I don't talk to them and tell them that as well.. Either it's bitchy or honest, I guess she's not an optimist.

Anyways though, I figure I'm going to talk to my mom as soon as I can about moving outta here. I say screw it, I don't want to deal with this. She asks if I 'let' nanook be an asshole and run around because I hate her bf? I CAN"T fucking stop the mutt from it unless he's in his crate, which he has been in for the past few days alot of the time because I DIDN"T want her to blow up on me like this. Of course she wouldn't think of it that way, and if I said that's the reason he's either been outside or in his crate she'd call me liar because he barks a few times to come back in or whatnot...

I have to admit it hurts, but I don't want nor have to deal with her. I'm just going to move out in this case, get lost as soon as my aunts basement is cleaned out. Maybe by next weekend if she'll let me.

Urrr.. I hate it so much, she blames me for everything. She'd blame me if her cat had a hair ball. She'll probably blame me for 'leaving' her. Honestly.. I don't think I'd call her anytime soon after moving out for anything.

Anyways, I'm jumping around alot, I gotta go get sleep. Talk to mom and aunt tomorrow, and see about getting myself out of here by mid-may at the most.

11:37pm: First off: I like Mike! *grins*

Secondly: GO POST ON MY BOARDS!!! *throws link at you*
http://xpresspost.proboards27.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&num=1077303187

Sign up, so it looks like I run an awsome board with many interesting people, and then go ahead and write my questionaire!! Please copy and past the questions so that I don't have to try and refer to the original post to know what the questions were. If you don't then I'll just go in and embarass you someway or another.

ps. NO, I don't pay for anything to do with my websites, never have and never will!!!

5:53pm: My post on Caroline's journal..
"Off topic and I guess this could be considered old..

BUT I DON"T KNOW HOW TO BOWL! And felt like an idiot. :D Though it was fun.

Anyways, I'm going to give the NEW creepy person in my house the cold shoulder/dirty looks. My sister's BF shouldn't leave them wandering around the house, it's rude and unapreciated.

(my sis's bf who is 40 yrs old and is currently jobless living in his 20 yr old gf's house, has no future and no ambition and in my opinion is completely worthless. Whatever turns her on though)

I should post this stuff in my journal.. *copy paste* "

Yea, I generally don't like a bunch of 40+ people wandering around my house aimlessly....

9:43am: I guess I have quite a bit to say.. so maybe I'll put it in point form and make up something from there or leave it as is.. :

*iSkin hired a new person, basically to replace me because I'm so unorganized
*I'm pissed about it because instead of helping me they just hire someone else
*I'm going to leave iSkin for Grenville, and before I go this new girl will know everything. I'm making it a mission to ensure she can do everything I can do and more by utilizing the skills she already posesses.
*I like Mike.
*I'm lagging regarding my homework, so I need to be working on that over the weekend. Assignment 7 through 9 should get me ahead by one, and maybe 10, but I need motivation to do the stuff. Also need to complete my log sheets (online co-op class)
*I feel like I'm being dragged down again, and only because I'm reluctant to let it bring me down (depressed). I really have no reason to be like this either, I have Mike, a great work place if not great co-workers. I don't blame them much though, their learning about this stuff too, hiring people and what not, but I'm still gonna go work elsewhere.
*I'm moving to Markham probably, into my aunts basement which I'm going to paint and decorate and all that fun sorta stuff.
*I want my comforter to be washed and all that stuff, dry cleaned, but the people that do cleaning near my house arn't actually dry cleaners. :-| Damnit, I don't want the stuffing in it to get bunched up, I better find an actual drycleaners soon though..
*I want a new bike, particularily the one their giving away for TimHorton's prizes. (you know Rrrrroll Up the Rrrrrrim to Win! thing?) ... not that there's anything WRONG per say with my own bike, I just WANT a new one.
*I've been so tired lately, maybe lack of sleep and maybe my brain doesn't want to deal with being sad and nothing to blame it on, maybe I'm aneimic or something. But I'm not going to the docs about it unless in late May I still feel like this. I havta start getting 8 hrs sleep a night to make sure it's not just that I don't sleep.
*I really can't wait to start a new job, find new skills and learn new things.. it'll be a change that I really need lately.
* I wanna go cuddle up with Mike and sleep. Been tossing and turning the past few nights and not having him in my bed didn't make a difference. :) So I miswell keep him in my bed or go sleep in his (which is very comphy too).

Hmm... I think that's about it, I don't feel like elaborating on any one subject right now, but maybe later. :p

9:34am: Mmmm.. yogurt and bagel w/creamcheese.
Good morning! I guess there's a bit to talk about, but not as much as I hope probably. I'm really starting to think something's VERY wrong in my sisters head. There's a couple different reason for the damn queen to be getting all stressed and bristled lately; she's upset with Zeiger but doesn't want to say anything because she doesn't want to screw things up (though while she says nothing to him she takes out her anger on every other little thing); She's scared to be on her own, as she blew up on my mom for not defending her after I told bridge "NO, I won't do YOUR kitty litter", thus making her seem less and less mature in any manner possible; she's pissed at me because I don't do the things she wants, like do their (bridge and zeiger's) dishes, or clean bridges litter box, or any of that kind of stuff; she's got a problem with someone/something at work and doesn't speak up about it.

More than likely I think it's more of a mix of her being terrified of moving out on her own (with zeiger), and that zeiger is doing/has done something that she's not speaking up about. She won't talk about it much, as I said she wants things to work so of course she can't say ANYTHING bad, but she will take it out on the people she knows how to take it out on the best, myself and mom. I would LOVE to move out and go live in my aunts basement right away, but currently I can't because I don't want to leave mom by herself with those two.

My mom's getting really annoyed with Zeiger as well, he keeps trying to/is shortcutting his rent by you know, 20-50$ here and there. Whenever he's done that so far though, he says he's 'getting groceries', and so far we don't see 20 or 50$ worth of groceries, or it's eaten by bridge and zeiger before we know it existed. Bridge thinks he's next to broke too, or so I'm understanding, so she's been 'helping' him out. He doesn't need helping out, he's working basically full time for the past month, and apparently he had three month's worth of money in his bank in case he did lose his job (which he did, but I'm not sure if I trust the reasons he gives me). Either he's trying to put bridge broke while he only says he is, or he has to stop spending all his money.

Which this issue could be another problem for bridge, if what I heard was correct.

All in all though, I really don't like living with zeiger and never have, even though I've tried to get used to the idea, and she's basically unbearable! I can't wait till we split apart, actually, I can't STAND seeing bridge talk about my mom the way she has been, or being so damn selfish, and my mom's feeling guilty because of it. She thinks she's a bad mom because her jerk of a daughter is a selfish ass. I'll get into that more later, maybe, but those who are reading this generally know what's going on in bridgets one-way mind.

Just need to rant and stuff, there are so many issues that bridge is a part of or started that it's getting just so frustraiting. More for my mom lately then it is for me, but I think my mom's a great person, a great mom and all that other stuff. How the hell can bridge yell at her in her face and call her a horrible mom? My mother raised two kids on her own (she split from my dad when me and bridge were 3 and 5) with out him paying child support for YEARS, and from the bottom up she went until she hit where she is now, and she's still climbing the ladder.

Anyways though, I havta get back working. This was such a negative post, but I'll have something positive to talk about, like, about last nite, or tonite. (yes, MIke was over! And will be again tonite! I feel kinda bad because he's always over at my place though, but it's all good. He'll invite me over if he wants me at his place.) :)